Shelley Watters never ceases to amaze me. She is offering another of her super-cool contests to celebrate her birthday. This time, Victoria Marini of Gelfman Schneider Literary Agency will judge the contest. Just sign up on the linky at Shelley’s site, post the first 250 words of a completed manuscript (Victoria’s only looking for certain genres), and tour around to offer feedback to your fellow entrants. So skip on over to Shelley’s blog here for all the details. The winner will receive a full manuscript request from Victoria. That is nothing short of awesome!
Title: Fractured
Genre: Women’s Contemporary Fiction
Word Count: 82,500
Happiness never lasts. Life gives you great gifts. It lets you touch them, walk around in them, and wear them for awhile. Then, when you least expect it—BAM! It is all gone.
“Mommy even has something for you,” I tell the little one as I shake a Winnie the Pooh rattle at my belly.
So customers overhear me, think I am crazy, I don’t care.
With my street clothes pooled around my ankles, I examine my belly in the mirror. Just beginning to show. I wiggle into the powder blue dress, assessing myself. Not bad. As I turn, a sharp pain seizes my right abdomen. Not the first time that week. The stretch of the uterine lining, I tell myself. According to Your Pregnancy Week by Week—totally normal. I try the cotton khakis, the overalls, and the too-large blouse. It is then that I feel it. It starts as a dribble, then quickly turns into a gush. Increased discharge—totally normal. That’s what the nurse practitioner told the receptionist to tell me when I called earlier in the week. Totally normal. I check my panty lining. Totally normal. Or is it?
Title: Fractured
Genre: Women’s Contemporary Fiction
Word Count: 82,500
Happiness never lasts. Life gives you great gifts. It lets you touch them, walk around in them, and wear them for awhile. Then, when you least expect it—BAM! It is all gone.
***
As I mill around the maternity section of Target, pushing the camel-colored pregnancy pants with the stretch bellies across the rack, I am oblivious to Life’s samurai surprises. At three months—twelve weeks in pregnancy lingo—my size 6s are just beginning to tighten. But as an overzealous, first-time mom-to-be, I need to explore my clothing options. “Mommy even has something for you,” I tell the little one as I shake a Winnie the Pooh rattle at my belly.
So customers overhear me, think I am crazy, I don’t care.
With my street clothes pooled around my ankles, I examine my belly in the mirror. Just beginning to show. I wiggle into the powder blue dress, assessing myself. Not bad. As I turn, a sharp pain seizes my right abdomen. Not the first time that week. The stretch of the uterine lining, I tell myself. According to Your Pregnancy Week by Week—totally normal. I try the cotton khakis, the overalls, and the too-large blouse. It is then that I feel it. It starts as a dribble, then quickly turns into a gush. Increased discharge—totally normal. That’s what the nurse practitioner told the receptionist to tell me when I called earlier in the week. Totally normal. I check my panty lining. Totally normal. Or is it?
I really like it. Good voice, good tension. LOVE the first line! No suggestions. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteA great opening line. And how true. I love her voice and I want to know what happens to her. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI like this story and your writing. My only picky is to remove all "As I" from the piece. It sounds too passive. Another picky is take out beginnings and starts. I am so guilty of this myself, that it is the first thing I notice in other people's writing. There is a link on my fb page about motherhood and loss. You should submit.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice a lot. Don't know that I'd capitalize Life the second time around, but that's super nitpicky.
ReplyDeleteI love the nitpicky stuff, too. Thank you for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I would love to check out your FB page, but I need the link :-)
I think the store will have a delivery and the new mom has some new wet clothes. Well written.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your help.
Nancy
N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium
I have to confess that I'm not in love with the foreshadowing. I think I'd prefer to get to know the character as an excited first-time Mom and then be SHOCKED when she starts bleeding. As it is, I know something bad is going to happen and it makes me feel a little detached, like, "Oh, so that's what the author was hinting at with that first line."
ReplyDeleteThat said, I absolutely love the first line! I would just insert it a bit later in the story. Maybe when she's in the hospital brooding about what's happened?
Strong start, and then I am with Kimberly... it just didn't grab me. I also wanted to know what happened earlier on, as I can tell something bad is coming.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I like the voice, but as was said before, I don't like the foreshadowing. Saying straight from the beginning "Bam! something horrible is going to happen" and then following it up by saying "I was totally oblivious that something bad is going to happen" makes it less than a surprise at the end when it seems like something has gone wrong with her pregnancy. If you take those out and emphasize her eccentric pregnant self (such as rattling the toy at her belly) and then bring up the surprise it will be much more powerful. Good luck.
ReplyDelete<3 Gina Blechman
Nice writing style. The first paragraphs give you a good sense of character. Two things:
ReplyDeleteI would change "It is" to "It's all gone," because you go on to establish the protag as casual with regards to internal speech.
Also, I'd leave off "or is it?" Seems a little "dun, dun, DUN..." More something I would expect from a thriller or mystery novel. We know it's not normal, your precious statements have foreshadowed it so we don't need it, IMO.
Nice opening--Good luck!
I agree with the last 3 comments. It's probably not a good idea to have a tone change and section break so early in the story. You start with a depressing, sad tone/voice then change to a bubbly, happy, expectant mother. It's jolting to the reader and I can't get grounded in the character because I expect something bad is about to happen. Scrap the first paragraph and build the tension with the MC and her baby problems.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing and voice in second paragraph onwards.
Only two comments from me :-)
ReplyDeleteI have a little bit of a problem with "right abdomen". Don't we only have one abdomen? Maybe you could say "the right side of my abdomen"?
And in the sentence straight after that I would change "that week" to "this week".
Well done for being brave and posting your work for comments. Good luck with the contest!
Many women have experienced miscarriages, and I think this is a subject the pulls at any woman's heartstrings. You are very brave for tackling such a difficult subject, and you have some great lines. I love the way she plays with the rattle and talks to the baby in Target. I didn't read all the comments above, but I didn't see this mentioned as I scanned.Since you didn't give me a visual of her walking into the dressing room, I pictured her undressing in the aisle at first.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good start, I just have a couple nitpicks. The little opening section feels awfully cliched to me and I think the start is stronger without it. Also, 1st person present tense feels strange to me here. I expect it in certain YA genres, but it feels off to me for this subject and narrator. I think it would be stronger in 1st person past tense, personally.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need the first part and the section break. The foreshadowing is way too obvious. And also, I completely do not agree with the first sentence, although I do understand what you are trying to say.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, I could not read this book because of the subject matter. I'm almost in tears just thinking about it. But I love what I've read so far and I do hope you find an audience and a brilliant agent tot sell it because from what I've read so far, I love the character and I'm sure she's about to go on a wonderful, soul-shattering journey.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read and comment and for your suggestions. I truly appreciate them.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fabulous contest and opening piece!
ReplyDeleteEllie Garratt
Hi Susan- Just wanted to say thanks for writing about this. It takes courage to tackle this topic! My memoir "Hope Springs" is about our first year of trying to conceive. We should definitely stay in touch, as it looks like we have similar styles/ circumstances... Mindy
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting- I'm following you here and on your other blog. You can also find me on facebook: Mindy Kay Smith. (there are two pages, one is my professional page.)
ReplyDelete